Xtine suspects boobs endow her with superpowers

German researchers report that staring at boobs increases longevity. By extrapolation, my rack possesses extraordinary life-extending powers. I’M A SUPERHERO!

According to Gerontologist Dr. Karen Weatherby, gawking at fun bags is healthy. "Just 10 minutes of staring at the charms of a well-endowed female, is roughly equivalent to a 30-minute aerobics work-out." Well, I’m feeling more and more valuable an asset to the human race by the minute. Do go on.

The prospective cohort study followed 200 healthy males for 5 years. Half stared at breasts daily. The other half abstained (uh, how?). The men routinely mesmerized by melons boasted lower blood pressure, slower resting pulse rates, and fewer episodes of coronary artery disease.

I’m skeptical. But Weatherby persists, saying, “sexual excitement gets the heart pumping and improves blood circulation” resulting in overall health gains. A man cuts his risk of stroke in half and adds 5 yrs to his life by honing in on hooters.

Settled. I am a veritable walking fountain of youth. Fully understanding my powers called for scrutinizing the study design. How long did men stare at boobs? What size boobs? Real or picture? Nipple shot or just cleavage? Did the study account for effect modification and curtail confounding variables? Standardize and stratify data? What statistical analysis was run? T-test? Regression? ANOVA? Give me p values!!

Alas, a search of the New England Journal of Medicine (the study’s purported publisher) yielded no such research paper. Nor did PubMed, with its thousands of peer-reviewed journals. Nothing authored by Dr. Weatherby (our new fav imaginary doctor). No articles at all on any health benefits of breast gazing.

Fast forward through more snooping and the trail leads back to a faux-journalism tabloid. World Weekly News released a shamefully similar article…..twice. Once in 1997 and again in 2000. How a hoax article from 1997 made it onto the pages of MedGuru (generally reliable-ish) over 10 years later.....I don’t know. Probably some forwarded email chain.

So men, I’m sorry to say, your search for immortality lies not in a woman’s chest. But give it a go if you like, you may be the exception. ;)

Peace!
-Xtine Gary
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